Reframing Your Story to Look Ahead at the Possibilities
For so many women, including myself, an ADHD diagnosis does not come in childhood. Many of us are diagnosed in our 30s, 40s, and even later. Late-diagnosed women may expect to feel relief with the diagnosis and are often surprised that, along with the relief, there may also be feelings of grief or frustration. You finally have an explanation for why certain things have felt harder, or even why you have expected things from yourself that you did not expect from others. You wonder: Why didn’t anyone see this in me sooner? Why didn’t I recognize this in myself? But the most challenging question to resist the urge to ruminate (Yes, women with ADHD are incredibly gifted at overthinking!) over is, how life may have been different had I known I had ADHD?
Research shows that girls are less likely to be evaluated for ADHD because symptoms often look different from those of boys. Diagnostic tools were trialed with three times as many boys as girls, so the ADHD behaviors we most often display may not have been picked up, even if we were evaluated at a younger age.
There is a good chance that, as young girls, we were overlooked in classrooms and at home because we were not seen as “problems.” However, we may have been daydreaming and not catching essential details or instructions. Throughout our lives, we have been told we are independent and can handle whatever comes our way. We masked and continue to mask our struggles by taking on more than we can handle, focusing on pleasing others, often at the expense of our own self-care. Inside, we might be overwhelmed, exhausted, and engaging in negative self-talk. Then came motherhood.
Our children are diagnosed with ADHD, and we begin to see our own ADHD. We see our own struggles reflected in our children’s struggles. We work to get help for our children. We ensure that our children receive the necessary accommodations at school. We may also have our children try medication, therapy, or coaching. We begin to see small changes in our children as they develop systems and strategies that help support the development of their executive function skills. We see our children recognize the gifts of ADHD and their own unique brain. We may acknowledge the correlation between the help we provide our children and their increased independence and successes. However, we still often fail to seek help for ourselves. Do we think it is too late to help ourselves?
At some point, we burn out. We may seek medical help. Doctors do their best but typically receive a few hours of ADHD education in medical school. We are often told our ADHD symptoms are actually due to diminished estrogen levels during the menstrual cycle or perimenopause. Unless we have the knowledge to advocate for ourselves, our ADHD may not be uncovered.
Let’s go back to the question: how life may have been different had I known I had ADHD? Upon diagnosis, we may ask ourselves this with regret. Still, our diagnosis allows us to reframe the question, to how will my life be different now that I have my diagnosis? This is the time to take the wistfulness of the question and see the opportunity for new possibilities to develop. We can reflect on the many accomplishments we have had, even while we were internally struggling. We are strong. We have grit. We are resilient. We have possibilities!
A late ADHD diagnosis is not a signal that you have failed. The diagnosis presents an opportunity to reflect on all the things that make you tick. There are many gifts associated with ADHD, and harnessing the tools, strategies, and supports that work for you is where the possibilities begin. You can continue to explore the possibilities for yourself and your family with a newfound insight and kindness to yourself.
To learn more about Kathy and explore the possibilities of working together, schedule your complimentary discovery call or visit her website and complete the contact form. Whether you are still actively parenting children at home or are an empty nester, when moms thrive, families thrive.
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Kathy Kurzman is an educator, executive function and ADHD coach, and the founder of Nothing but Possibilities, LLC, where she partners with students, parents, and schools to strengthen and support executive function skills through practical strategies and self-understanding. At the heart of her work is helping clients develop a deeper understanding of themselves — how they learn, think, and grow — leading to increased confidence and independence.
A lifelong learner and mother of three grown sons, Kathy brings both professional expertise and personal understanding to her work with families navigating the demands of learning, parenting, and life transitions. She holds an MSc with Distinction in Education from the University of Southampton (UK), a BS with Honors in Elementary Education from the University of Texas at Austin, a Certificate in College Counseling from UCLA, and a Certificate in Jewish Education specializing in Adolescence and Emerging Adults from Hebrew Union College–Jewish Institute of Religion. Kathy also completed specialized ADHD coach training through the ADD Coach Academy (ADDCA) and is an associate member of the Independent Educational Consultants Association.
Alongside her work with parents, students, and schools, Kathy also coaches women who are exploring the impact of a later-in-life ADHD diagnosis. Through the coaching partnership, Kathy offers understanding and perspective that align with her core mission: helping people discover what is possible.
